I thought I'd kick off this thread with something seasonal.
A Few Nights Before Christmas
A few nights before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Just me and my mouse.
My shopping not done,
I had flown to my chair.
I'd get on the Internet,
And buy my gifts there!
"On Visa! On MasterCard,
Double click here!
Buy one or the other!
Load up your shopping cart,
Away with the mall!
Now click away, click away,
Click away, all!
I had finished my list,
"That was easy," I thought,
"But how do I get all this
Stuff I just bought?"
I must have dozed off,
When I heard such a clatter.
I arose with a start
To see what was the matter.
I threw open the door...
Is this some sort of trick?
The guy on the porch-
"You must be St. Nick!"
"You wish," said the guy,
"It's the Fed Ex, you old coot.
Who else do you think
Could schlep all this loot?"
I thanked him again
As he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!"
[From the comic strip "Shoe"]
They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:
But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.
After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:
TOLD YOU SO!
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm and knocked. Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I've got something to show him, ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."
Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the
accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, the first accountant jams something in the second accountant's hand. Without looking down, the second accountant whispers, "What is this?"
To which the first accountant replies, "It's the $50 I owe you."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
Old Age Is NOT For Sissies
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his
again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Received from Andychap.
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me. At lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives ma a warm bath, and she cuddles up with me all night." He breaks
down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see. I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."
Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Received from dadiodio.
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
At the risk of being redundant, just let me say I love this joke!
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents always told me to be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
Groaner: Horse for Sale
An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he
sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale."
Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his
neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing
down a fine-looking stallion.
"Hello, friend. I saw your sign out there and came over to
see your horse for sale."
Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but he
manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer. "Why, he's a fine
horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "he no looka so good
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his
mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field
over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back
to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses
the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.
"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old
He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in
hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me
a near blind horse, you ol' cheat, and you didn't even tell
me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer. "I say, 'He no
looka so good anymore!'"
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